


twitter sensation: rumlow #classified

by daddylokilonglegs



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Gen, Twitter, clint is only a little bit jealous, comes from being a strike agent, environmental damage probably, in case that wasn't obvious, rumlow narrates his life out loud every day every minute, takes place before and during captain america the winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1783402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daddylokilonglegs/pseuds/daddylokilonglegs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agent Rumlow has two million followers and counting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	twitter sensation: rumlow #classified

**Author's Note:**

> this came about because i've seen cap2 about twenty times and i giggle everytime at "I'M ON THE 41ST FLOOR HEADED TOWARDS THE SOUTH-WEST STAIRWELL" because it sounded like he'd been giving updates everytime he rounded a fucking _corner_.

oatmeal and black coffee #breakfast

getting dressed #bigdayatwork

actually every day at work is a big day #iworkforasecretagency 

the bus is late #always

"How does he do it?" Clint says, eyebrows rising higher and higher the further he scrolls. "He updates literally every other minute."

"Did you find Rumlow's twitter account?" Natasha asks from the next room. 

"He's freaking me out."

"He does that." Natasha pokes her head through the doorway. "I think his earpiece is connected to his twitter account."

Clint stares at her. "And this dude narrates his life out loud every day?" he says slowly. "You know, not even I am that pathetic."

Natasha smirks. "Check his follower count," she says and disappears out of view.

Two million followers and counting. Clint swears.

***

targets two and five down #classified

I got hit #classified

my arm won't stop bleeding #classified

just saved steve's ass #classified

somebody get me a fucking bandaid #classified

steve made a terrible joke too bad i can't shoot my coworkers #classified

the leader of my mission is the worst at puns #canishoothimnow #classified

right hand man just performed a beautiful execution #classified

though not of my leader #damnit #classified 

site secured #classified

wrapping up #classified

i can't find my parachute #classified

"I had to hack his account, you know," says a SHIELD agent a few paces behind Clint. "Dude isn't actually tech savvy, did you know?"

"What? Nooo!" another SHIELD agent says.

Clint slows down, listening in.

"Remember that thing in Kazakhstan? It made the news?"

"Sorta. Wait, that was...?"

"Yup. He broadcasted his location to everyone and their mother. The terror cell they were taking down found out and nearly took STRIKE down instead. It was a mess," the agent whispers excitedly. "So they put me on hacking his account and now it's anonymous, or as anonymous as can be. I even set up a script which converts some key words into harmless words."

"No way!"

"Totally did."

Clint goes back to the twitter app on his phone. All his feed consists of these days is Rumlow - not because he has any sort of interest in the dude, but because this whole thing is like a _trainwreck_. Don't want to look, can't look away. It's a pain.

home sweet home #justfinishedamission #classified #sorta

my beer is the perfect temperature 

just ordered pizza #pepperoni

pizza will be here in 23 minutes

22 minutes

21 minutes

i need to pee 

18 minutes

Does this dude have any friends at all? Somebody who would follow the pizza tracker _and_ tweet about it had to be some kind of friendless goober. Right?

traffic jam two blocks up cockblocking my pizza #ihaveagunandknowhowtouseit

Clint shakes his head and vows to never join STRIKE for a mission _ever_.

***

looks like floral patterns are in this season #undercoveronhawaii #fuckyeah

unless you're hiding a gun in them don't wear #baggypants #wtf 

my agency is totally paying for all the mai tais i'm drinking #totallypartofthe #mission #classified

working the tan while working the job #ilovemyjob #shootingpeople #drinkingbluehawaiis #businessasusual

did you know i can assassinate people with a pink paper umbrella #nowyoudo #beatthatromanoff

lesson to learn: don't challenge the russian on your team to anything ever #iregreteverything

Clint is not jealous. He calls Natasha anyway.

***

"Clint." Natasha crosses her arms and looks at him. "I strongly advise you to not do this."

"But it's pizzadog," Clint argues. "People on the Internet love that sort of shit! Right?"

"I think there's something important here you're not getting," Natasha says. "You're too pathetic to get followers."

"But pizzadog!"

"No," Natasha says. "Trust me."

"Everybody loves pizzadog," Clint mutters, looking at the dog curled up by his side. His head is in Clint's lap. "Look at him. Natasha, look at him."

Natasha just shakes her head.

***

when people at work show off #wehaveparachutesforareason

now watch me save his ass #parachutesmotherfucker

perks of being strike team #brofist #icecream

taking down foreign governments is my favourite thing to do #jobwelldone #classified

leaving on a jet plane don't know when i'll be back again #unnamedsouthamericancountry 

mission debriefing #yay 

we got champagne #awyiss

no in flight movie tho #sadface

correction there is an in flight movie. toy story 3 #hellno

cleaning my guns cleaning my knives #funtimes

no i do not need help with my seatbelt #yesthatisaguninmypocket

***

Clint manages to forget the trainwreck that is Rumlow's twitter account for a couple of weeks, until Natasha is suddenly unreachable and his SHIELD issued credit card stops working.

Now, that's a problem.

What's worse is that Rumlow's twitter account is his only source of news out here, and the thing is a fucking _pain_. 

No, he's not bitter about his failed pizzadog twitter account.

my target is hiding out in a fucking mall #sometimesihatemyjob #classified

on the other hand: MALL #sometimesidont

look at all those dumb civilians #lol

my face still hurts by the way #iwillterminatehim #is2g #cominforyousteve

public displays of affection make me very uncomfortable #getaroom

i hate new jersey #letmeblowitupforyou #classified

r u dead yet #classified

guess not #justdiealready

let the hunt continue #comethefuckon

targets got away from me #again #iwillfindyou #andkillyou #classified

GOT YOU #yougonnadienao

or not. public executions not so cool. #dang 

HE FUCKING ESCAPED #IWILLPERSONALLYKILLYOU #ANDEVERYTHINGYOULOVE

beauty sleep then taking over the world 2morro #cantwait #classified

#heilHYDRA

BACK OFF EVERYBODY CAPTAIN AMERICA IS MINE #KISSYOURASSGOODBYE #notsoclassifiedanymore #iguess

by which i mean he is mine to kill #killout #notsoclassifiedanymore

itsy bitsy spider #cominforyouromanoff

i just got hit by a helicarrier #notsoclassifiedanymore #fuckingow

i hate steve. #fuckyou

#fuckSHIELD

#fuckthishospital

Clint stares at the last tweet. It's a couple of hours old, which is almost more distressing than the entire saga of the last couple of _days_ , fucking hell. There's a chill running down his back and he _itches_.

He calls Natasha again and leaves a message on her voicemail. Then he picks up his bow and quiver and heads for the nearest train station.

Time for improvisation.


End file.
